You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Of course I have a pirate flag
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
