I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I supernannyed him into submission
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
