Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
