I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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