So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
