I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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