operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
you traded sex for a burrito?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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