i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Four minutes until I can fart!
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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