I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
