i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
