I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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