he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
