1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
