he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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