My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
