I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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