i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
