i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Too much gin, very little bucket
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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