i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
