i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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