they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
