I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize