I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
