Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
