Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
