Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize