youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
