my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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