every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
