im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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