the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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