There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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