my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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