I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize