You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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