she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Randomize
