dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
