Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
