she woke up with a sticky ear
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
