her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Randomize
