You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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