if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
