Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
