Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
