there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
