Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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