So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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