So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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