They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
