Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
