I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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