I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
